I’m not very good at saying what I think. Or making decisions. Or anything that really requires me to come down from my fence. This annoys the crap out of some people (usually people who have no trouble in voicing their opinions - oddly, the kind of person I seem to get on best with).

I’ve never seen it as a bad thing before - at 20 years old, I am ill-equipped with knowledge and experience, and deciding something, something important, when you’re travelling light in both the aforementioned things, can be a little foolhardy. I don’t say what I think, partly through cowardice that nobody will agree with me and that I will be shunned (lol), but mostly because I don’t know what I think yet. In a trial, there is evidence, witnesses, months of deliberation - there isn’t just a judge throwing out decisions and thoughts like confetti at a wedding. If someone asks me what I think about xyz, I’d like to hear about all of the other letters first, to make sure what I say is really what I mean. Of course, there is always gut reaction, first impressions, blah blah blah, but I’d rather not have to keep changing my mind as time goes by. 

Part of my inability to voice opinion, of course, is part of a deep rooted fear of offending anybody. Whether this is pathetic or not is debatable. Of course, wanting to avoid hurting others is a good thing, and something to be strived for. But someone (whose opinion I respect very much) reminded me this week that by always sitting on the fence, I prevent people from getting to know me. And doing that not only hurts myself, but hurts my friends too, who would occasionally like to hear some honesty, no doubt. 

And decision making. Oh dear. Big things that I feel justified in spending weeks deliberating with myself. No problem. Trivial things like what to eat for dinner. Nightmare. I think it all comes down to the fact that I would rather please the people I’m with than get my own way. But as someone pointed out to me, if the other wants me to decide for a change, neither party gets what they want. 

So here it is, the best honesty I can offer you. I have ideas and a few opinions, but I have more questions. Don’t expect me to decide on the big stuff, and I will occasionally decide what to eat for dinner. I can’t always give you my opinion, but I promise to let you into my inner narrative. But the truth remains that I like my fence. It allows me to see both sides of the argument.